So it's day 5 now with no food. I still haven't lost weight, I can't imagine why. I can feel my body getting tired, my neck and back are hurting but the stomach pain has stopped finally. I can't tell if it's effecting me cognitively yet. I am trying to stay hydrated, but even that is a challenge.
I drank some coffee this morning, it tasted terrible. All I feel like doing is sleeping. So much stress and so much to do. I don't know how I am going to do all the things that need to be done today feeling this way. I guess I will have to just push through as long as I can.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Cancer
I had cervical cancer, in 2003. I had a surgery that removed the cancerous cells, so I didn't have to go through chemo. I am supposed to be tested every 6 months to see if it's returned. I haven't been tested since 2005. It is another saving grace in my mind that if it does return, I can just go peacefully. I sometimes want to be tested just to see if it's there, it would be relieving to know that all I have to do is refuse treatment. I sometimes believe in God, and I don't really want to go to Hell, if there is one, for killing myself, so I won't. But that doesn't mean if I get a terminal illness I have to do the treatment either.
It all started 4 days ago...
It started when I walked in on my sister and my boyfriend talking trash about me. Apparently, I have been the topic of conversation for my entire family for some time now. They claim to be worried, the only thing I can tell is they enjoy gossip. It's not like I live three-thousand miles away, I live down the street. But instead of coming to me, they talk about me to one another.
I already have major self-esteem issues, and trust issues. And this solidifies what I used to consider to be paranoia about myself. I'd give myself the old pep-talk of "Oh don't be silly, you're just being paranoid." But now I know it to be true. It's heartbreaking to say the least, and when I confronted them about it, of course they blamed me. I'm the horrible wife, the horrible mother, the horrible person. I am shit to them.
One thing I know is, I have only one way of coping with any of this. And that is to isolate myself further. They don't know that I suffer from Anorexia. They don't know when I refused to eat as a child it was because it was the only way I knew how to control anything. I told my boyfriend about it, to which I get an off-the-cuff "just eat something.. I don't know why you do this to yourself. Don't you know this just makes things worse?"
His own sister suffered from anorexia, or so he claims. Obviously she never got help for it, or he never cared enough to learn about it, that those comments do nothing but make it worse. What's even better, is after I told him my dark secret, out of trust, the very next argument we had, he called me FAT. He knew it would trigger me and he did it out of evil and spite.
So here I sit, alone, with my blog. It's now been 4 days since I have eaten. Every day I don't eat I feel like I'm regaining a bit of control. It's empowering. He tells me I am selfish and self-centered. He thinks I think I'm better than anyone else. That's hilarious, because all I want is to waste away into nothing. I think I'm probably one of the worst looking and behaving people in the world. I can't even have fun because I don't think I deserve it. If I go somewhere public, I can feel their eyes on me, judging me, looking down on me. If only he knew how much I just want to die. How I don't want to exist at all anymore. But it wouldn't matter to him. I think he wants to destroy me.
So now I have no one to trust, no one to love. Only Ana.
I already have major self-esteem issues, and trust issues. And this solidifies what I used to consider to be paranoia about myself. I'd give myself the old pep-talk of "Oh don't be silly, you're just being paranoid." But now I know it to be true. It's heartbreaking to say the least, and when I confronted them about it, of course they blamed me. I'm the horrible wife, the horrible mother, the horrible person. I am shit to them.
One thing I know is, I have only one way of coping with any of this. And that is to isolate myself further. They don't know that I suffer from Anorexia. They don't know when I refused to eat as a child it was because it was the only way I knew how to control anything. I told my boyfriend about it, to which I get an off-the-cuff "just eat something.. I don't know why you do this to yourself. Don't you know this just makes things worse?"
His own sister suffered from anorexia, or so he claims. Obviously she never got help for it, or he never cared enough to learn about it, that those comments do nothing but make it worse. What's even better, is after I told him my dark secret, out of trust, the very next argument we had, he called me FAT. He knew it would trigger me and he did it out of evil and spite.
So here I sit, alone, with my blog. It's now been 4 days since I have eaten. Every day I don't eat I feel like I'm regaining a bit of control. It's empowering. He tells me I am selfish and self-centered. He thinks I think I'm better than anyone else. That's hilarious, because all I want is to waste away into nothing. I think I'm probably one of the worst looking and behaving people in the world. I can't even have fun because I don't think I deserve it. If I go somewhere public, I can feel their eyes on me, judging me, looking down on me. If only he knew how much I just want to die. How I don't want to exist at all anymore. But it wouldn't matter to him. I think he wants to destroy me.
So now I have no one to trust, no one to love. Only Ana.
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